A Moored Ship That Travels

Another time jump. The interface of this Blog has changed, like me, we have grown in some ways. I'm not the same person I was when I wrote here last and I think that's a good thing. Stagnation would be worse. And I wonder at that word. Stagnation. Who made that word? Everything God creates is moving. I can't see any stagnation but maybe it’s an idea we need. I've thought of myself as stuck many times and when I look back at my life I wonder how I stayed in the same place now for over 10 years. I moved freely and experienced new cultures and language and different ways of living, that felt like movement for me. I foresaw no end to it... and then I got divorced. 

We moved to the US to figure out our divorce. Many would say that's incorrect, that I moved back to the US to figure out how to resolve our differences and to find a way back to the love we had for one another so that the marriage could continue. I was not trying to figure that out. I had a loud voice inside me that said ,”Run. It's not safe here. She's not safe for you.” If you saw me from a top a tree branch you'd see I was making the efforts to heal and find a way to be married again. I saw the therapists. I visited her when I could. I called her to talk about healing. All the while the voice would yell and no one but me could hear it.

Why didn't I move away from North Carolina after my divorce? Was it because my parents and sister’s family moved here? But that was many years after I had divorced. Was it because of the job I had? I hadn't ever considered living in a place just for work before so I don't think that was the reason either. I think I needed to stop... 

and just listen. 

Now many years later, I show love to that voice. I cry for that voice. I see it for what it is. Pain. So much pain that it seeks safety anywhere but where it is. I will take your hand and run. And the paths it travels are safe, comfortable and well marked. But it takes you on loops and it is so strong it can run them endlessly. Until you see it and ask it for a different path. It won’t know where to take you and so you’ll have to lead it. I see now that I did not know how to separate my pain from hers and my pain said if you leave her you will be ok again and this familiar path led us to divorce. 

Do not think that I have figured it out either. I still find myself following that voice at times.

Here are some the things I have learned so far:

The way to understanding that loud voice is to stop and listen.  

Ask it, “Will you show me where you come from?” 

Be brave and follow it.

See the many moments in your life where it showed up until it leads you to its birth. 

You will want to turn and run many times before that. You’ll blame yourself or congratulate yourself but these are costumes you dress yourself in to hide and it needs your strength and courage now. 

Witness its birth. Be there for him. Understand him. And then love him. 

 Life can be hard and I admire and love you for trying.

Loneliness

Now this is a subject no one wants to talk about.  It's embarrassing to admit that we're lonely.  It could mean we don't have many friends to talk to.  Or we've lost someone and don't know how to replace them.  Or we isolate ourselves because we're embarrassed about something, we don't fit in the "norm".  We all probably experience some form of these in our life.  I didn't always feel lonely like I do now.  Maybe seeing my peers with families and children I've come to appreciate that phase of building something with someone you love.  I live a full life, I serve, I work, I play, but then I come home to an empty house.  The name of this blog is from a story about two lovers searching for one another... Majnun and Layli.  Did I prophesize how difficult this search would be?  I took a trip a few years ago to this beach and read a book.  At some point, I looked to the side imagining someone there and I questioned why I was there?  Was I just distracting myself to avoid another weekend alone?  These trips, this kind of entertainment, it just comes and goes... and I want the permanent.  I want to build something without feeling like it's temporal.  Of course, I can with my family, friends, and neighbors, I love those moments where we connect and grow closer, but there's something instinctual about finding a partner.  Maybe this kind of loneliness is built into our DNAs to move us closer to each other?  Maybe hers is moving her closer to me right now and later we'll think this loneliness is a gift that helped bring us together.  This feeling has certainly helped me recognize the need to connect to one another, to build something lasting, to have meaningful conversations and interactions, to focus our energy on the permanent and everlasting.  And maybe my loneliness is just a small representation of how lonely we are as a society.  If I can feel this way, with a loving family, wonderful friends, a healthy life, how much more so would it be without any of those?  So before it becomes 2018, I think I'll make it a goal this next year to apply the teachings that come from loneliness, in hopes that it will bring a little more connectedness and comfort to all my relationships.  Happy New Year 💛

Awareness

It's been a long time since my last post.  My life took a few unexpected turns and it's been hard getting back on track... of course I didn't get on the same track that I was on but it has elements of the love and joy I felt before just with a dash more awareness.  Reading this blog is like opening up a time capsule.  I'm very different than the person who wrote in here before yet I'm still me, I still feel that person inside me, recognize what he thought was valuable and why, yet I also feel like a stranger here, my perspective has somewhat shifted.  Should I continue writing to no one in particular about things that will probably change again in the next 5 years?  

Maybe it's important to write down how we feel and what we think about.  At least then we can see how far we've gone and if we find ourselves circling back to the same path we know we can take a different one.  So I guess I'll keep writing, in hopes of creating more self awareness.

Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card

Any book which focuses on father - son relationships pulls on my heartstrings which will be forever taut.  But not every book makes it to my thoughts and resonates with my beliefs so thoroughly.  The purpose of Speaker for the Dead, is stated by the author:  to make a book which would tell the truth about someone's life, not a saint, but someone who is utterly cruel and evil.  Of course that's paraphasing and the book is about way more than I feel like writing tonight but it's interesting anyway.  Why would an author want to write the truth about someone cruel?  He said because the cruelest thing someone can do after a person dies is lie about them in order to remake their life to how you see fit.  That erases who they are which truly kills them.  The hardest thing to do is tell the truth even though you know it will cause much pain and possibly much suffering to do it.  He describes the pain like unto a hot iron which cauterizes a wound.  The truth will eliminate the lies and the cycle or patterns of life we've set up to carry those lies will also be eliminated.  This book is about exactly that.  The truth will eliminate destructive patterns.  Why?  The author explains that as well.  Knowing the truth allows love to take form.  We were not made to love lies, we were made to love the truth.  It is our foundation and so knowing a truth is really recognizing what we already knew to be true, it is knowing ourself, and it is knowing our Maker.  Try it out sometime, if there is anyone or anything you feel anger and hate towards, spend sometime getting to know the truth about them.  I bet you come away much richer from the experience than if you decided to build that hate into your life.

Life in a Day

What an amazing film! I can't believe I hadn't heard of this.  Basically this film was made from citizens around the world and what they recorded on July 24th, 2010.  The directors took this footage (over 4,500hrs) and wove a story about us and what our lives reflect all over the world on the same day.  Looking into the lives of all these people I couldn't help but to feel a deep connection and appreciation for the diversity we represent.  From race, religion, expressions, thoughts, behaviors, routines, jobs, there's so much in this film that the directors don't explain which adds to the viewers experience and interpretation.  We are truly a complex and beautiful race. Life in a day.