Another time jump. The interface of this Blog has changed, like me, we have grown in some ways. I'm not the same person I was when I wrote here last and I think that's a good thing. Stagnation would be worse. And I wonder at that word. Stagnation. Who made that word? Everything God creates is moving. I can't see any stagnation but maybe it’s an idea we need. I've thought of myself as stuck many times and when I look back at my life I wonder how I stayed in the same place now for over 10 years. I moved freely and experienced new cultures and language and different ways of living, that felt like movement for me. I foresaw no end to it... and then I got divorced.
We moved to the US to figure out our divorce. Many would say that's incorrect, that I moved back to the US to figure out how to resolve our differences and to find a way back to the love we had for one another so that the marriage could continue. I was not trying to figure that out. I had a loud voice inside me that said ,”Run. It's not safe here. She's not safe for you.” If you saw me from a top a tree branch you'd see I was making the efforts to heal and find a way to be married again. I saw the therapists. I visited her when I could. I called her to talk about healing. All the while the voice would yell and no one but me could hear it.
Why didn't I move away from North Carolina after my divorce? Was it because my parents and sister’s family moved here? But that was many years after I had divorced. Was it because of the job I had? I hadn't ever considered living in a place just for work before so I don't think that was the reason either. I think I needed to stop...
and just listen.
Now many years later, I show love to that voice. I cry for that voice. I see it for what it is. Pain. So much pain that it seeks safety anywhere but where it is. I will take your hand and run. And the paths it travels are safe, comfortable and well marked. But it takes you on loops and it is so strong it can run them endlessly. Until you see it and ask it for a different path. It won’t know where to take you and so you’ll have to lead it. I see now that I did not know how to separate my pain from hers and my pain said if you leave her you will be ok again and this familiar path led us to divorce.
Do not think that I have figured it out either. I still find myself following that voice at times.
Here are some the things I have learned so far:
The way to understanding that loud voice is to stop and listen.
Ask it, “Will you show me where you come from?”
Be brave and follow it.
See the many moments in your life where it showed up until it leads you to its birth.
You will want to turn and run many times before that. You’ll blame yourself or congratulate yourself but these are costumes you dress yourself in to hide and it needs your strength and courage now.
Witness its birth. Be there for him. Understand him. And then love him.
Life can be hard and I admire and love you for trying.
