I listened to a conversation the other day about marriage. A few youth were discussing the fact that they were looking forward to it but were not quite ready. Some had a specific date or year in mind when the marriage day would occur. I remember having the exact same thoughts…
…which sparked the following series of thoughts now…
What is a healthy marriage? Society would define marriage as the outcome of two people falling in love and the necessary step to be taken in order to legalize that love. Some would say that marriage is for people that want to have children. What does it mean to raise a child? Again, the definition perhaps would be that children are the result of sexual intimacy and we raise them so they will understand the difference between right and wrong. These two questions, for me, are the keys to opening the door to marriage.
Now one could be satisfied with these semi-general definitions that are heard in our society… or one could be absolutely terrified. I feel like the majority of us fall into this second category. Fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of the unknown. And with the above definition, marriage kind of looks like a seemingly innocent accident, which at the end of the day forces you to take a terrifying, leap of faith. But I don’t agree with the above definition.
First off, I refuse to believe something so incredible as the union of two souls; the everlasting bond sealed by the acknowledgment of a divine institution could be viewed as an accident. We are all guided and can constantly ask for guidance along the way. I’ve heard many examples of couples getting married and later realizing how they were so lovingly directed towards each other. One couple told me that they were in a bookstore, looking around, and then “accidentally” a book fell off the shelf. When they picked it up, they noticed it was about marriage. Some take years before they decide to get married, and some take days. Some have dreams, some don’t. There really is no pattern, no formula, no guarantee, and perhaps this is the scariest part for many people because they see marriage as mentioned before, a terrifying leap of faith. But what if it’s not. The answer, on the surface level, seemingly simple, is probably one of the most beautiful and necessary endeavors humans will ever undertake.
Getting to know one another.
Lately, I’ve been serving in a small community, and this question has been running through my mind. How do we get to know one another? Since service is the most complete form of adoration to God, our most meaningful interactions occur when we serve together, when we make efforts for the betterment of the world rather than when we’re focused on making ourselves happy. This statement goes right to the heart of the question and presents a solution that dissolves the earlier mentioned “fear of the unknown.” Through service we get to know each other’s characters, and more importantly we understand what it is to sacrifice our own needs for a greater purpose, we learn how to support each other’s efforts, we grow closer by forgetting ourselves because love can only grow by giving, and service to others is the true expression of love and sacrifice. This is the purest form of getting to know one another.
When we see the other person for the qualities that they have developed because of their love for God we can overcome any challenge that the marriage might go through. Once this kind of love is born you cannot get angry or upset with them because being near them is like being near God, the source of love. Abdu’l-Baha, a great spiritual teacher writes about this vision,
“Each sees in the other the Beauty of God reflected in the soul, and finding this point of similarity, they are attracted to one another in love... This love will bring the realization of true accord, the foundation of real unity.”
This subject deserves much more thought and assumes the great responsibility of getting to know oneself has already been explored.
The last question is much more difficult to comment on because I lack the experience of raising or having a child. Baha’u’llah, a Divine Educator, states,
“Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves.”
I just cannot fathom the bounty that God has given us here. “…from you may appear he who will remember Me…” If we believe that everyone has a soul then we can define parenthood as the art of guiding the infinite. A newly born soul is clean of the dross we accumulate from this world such as vain-imaginations, ego, materialism, racism and prejudice, etc. A parent’s job is to accompany this soul, help them navigate through the world so when they are faced with a challenge they will look towards their inherent nobility for the answers and find their heart overflowing with love for others. This most essential role of the parent is being tested all the time. Everyday, through our interactions with family, friends, neighbors, strangers, we are developing our ability to comprehend, listen, give advice, help out, accompany, etc. We could see the early stages of our life as the training ground for the purpose of marriage; guiding souls to recognize their Creator.
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