A Moored Ship That Travels

Another time jump. The interface of this Blog has changed, like me, we have grown in some ways. I'm not the same person I was when I wrote here last and I think that's a good thing. Stagnation would be worse. And I wonder at that word. Stagnation. Who made that word? Everything God creates is moving. I can't see any stagnation but maybe it’s an idea we need. I've thought of myself as stuck many times and when I look back at my life I wonder how I stayed in the same place now for over 10 years. I moved freely and experienced new cultures and language and different ways of living, that felt like movement for me. I foresaw no end to it... and then I got divorced. 

We moved to the US to figure out our divorce. Many would say that's incorrect, that I moved back to the US to figure out how to resolve our differences and to find a way back to the love we had for one another so that the marriage could continue. I was not trying to figure that out. I had a loud voice inside me that said ,”Run. It's not safe here. She's not safe for you.” If you saw me from a top a tree branch you'd see I was making the efforts to heal and find a way to be married again. I saw the therapists. I visited her when I could. I called her to talk about healing. All the while the voice would yell and no one but me could hear it.

Why didn't I move away from North Carolina after my divorce? Was it because my parents and sister’s family moved here? But that was many years after I had divorced. Was it because of the job I had? I hadn't ever considered living in a place just for work before so I don't think that was the reason either. I think I needed to stop... 

and just listen. 

Now many years later, I show love to that voice. I cry for that voice. I see it for what it is. Pain. So much pain that it seeks safety anywhere but where it is. I will take your hand and run. And the paths it travels are safe, comfortable and well marked. But it takes you on loops and it is so strong it can run them endlessly. Until you see it and ask it for a different path. It won’t know where to take you and so you’ll have to lead it. I see now that I did not know how to separate my pain from hers and my pain said if you leave her you will be ok again and this familiar path led us to divorce. 

Do not think that I have figured it out either. I still find myself following that voice at times.

Here are some the things I have learned so far:

The way to understanding that loud voice is to stop and listen.  

Ask it, “Will you show me where you come from?” 

Be brave and follow it.

See the many moments in your life where it showed up until it leads you to its birth. 

You will want to turn and run many times before that. You’ll blame yourself or congratulate yourself but these are costumes you dress yourself in to hide and it needs your strength and courage now. 

Witness its birth. Be there for him. Understand him. And then love him. 

 Life can be hard and I admire and love you for trying.

Loneliness

Now this is a subject no one wants to talk about.  It's embarrassing to admit that we're lonely.  It could mean we don't have many friends to talk to.  Or we've lost someone and don't know how to replace them.  Or we isolate ourselves because we're embarrassed about something, we don't fit in the "norm".  We all probably experience some form of these in our life.  I didn't always feel lonely like I do now.  Maybe seeing my peers with families and children I've come to appreciate that phase of building something with someone you love.  I live a full life, I serve, I work, I play, but then I come home to an empty house.  The name of this blog is from a story about two lovers searching for one another... Majnun and Layli.  Did I prophesize how difficult this search would be?  I took a trip a few years ago to this beach and read a book.  At some point, I looked to the side imagining someone there and I questioned why I was there?  Was I just distracting myself to avoid another weekend alone?  These trips, this kind of entertainment, it just comes and goes... and I want the permanent.  I want to build something without feeling like it's temporal.  Of course, I can with my family, friends, and neighbors, I love those moments where we connect and grow closer, but there's something instinctual about finding a partner.  Maybe this kind of loneliness is built into our DNAs to move us closer to each other?  Maybe hers is moving her closer to me right now and later we'll think this loneliness is a gift that helped bring us together.  This feeling has certainly helped me recognize the need to connect to one another, to build something lasting, to have meaningful conversations and interactions, to focus our energy on the permanent and everlasting.  And maybe my loneliness is just a small representation of how lonely we are as a society.  If I can feel this way, with a loving family, wonderful friends, a healthy life, how much more so would it be without any of those?  So before it becomes 2018, I think I'll make it a goal this next year to apply the teachings that come from loneliness, in hopes that it will bring a little more connectedness and comfort to all my relationships.  Happy New Year 💛

Awareness

It's been a long time since my last post.  My life took a few unexpected turns and it's been hard getting back on track... of course I didn't get on the same track that I was on but it has elements of the love and joy I felt before just with a dash more awareness.  Reading this blog is like opening up a time capsule.  I'm very different than the person who wrote in here before yet I'm still me, I still feel that person inside me, recognize what he thought was valuable and why, yet I also feel like a stranger here, my perspective has somewhat shifted.  Should I continue writing to no one in particular about things that will probably change again in the next 5 years?  

Maybe it's important to write down how we feel and what we think about.  At least then we can see how far we've gone and if we find ourselves circling back to the same path we know we can take a different one.  So I guess I'll keep writing, in hopes of creating more self awareness.

Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card

Any book which focuses on father - son relationships pulls on my heartstrings which will be forever taut.  But not every book makes it to my thoughts and resonates with my beliefs so thoroughly.  The purpose of Speaker for the Dead, is stated by the author:  to make a book which would tell the truth about someone's life, not a saint, but someone who is utterly cruel and evil.  Of course that's paraphasing and the book is about way more than I feel like writing tonight but it's interesting anyway.  Why would an author want to write the truth about someone cruel?  He said because the cruelest thing someone can do after a person dies is lie about them in order to remake their life to how you see fit.  That erases who they are which truly kills them.  The hardest thing to do is tell the truth even though you know it will cause much pain and possibly much suffering to do it.  He describes the pain like unto a hot iron which cauterizes a wound.  The truth will eliminate the lies and the cycle or patterns of life we've set up to carry those lies will also be eliminated.  This book is about exactly that.  The truth will eliminate destructive patterns.  Why?  The author explains that as well.  Knowing the truth allows love to take form.  We were not made to love lies, we were made to love the truth.  It is our foundation and so knowing a truth is really recognizing what we already knew to be true, it is knowing ourself, and it is knowing our Maker.  Try it out sometime, if there is anyone or anything you feel anger and hate towards, spend sometime getting to know the truth about them.  I bet you come away much richer from the experience than if you decided to build that hate into your life.

Life in a Day

What an amazing film! I can't believe I hadn't heard of this.  Basically this film was made from citizens around the world and what they recorded on July 24th, 2010.  The directors took this footage (over 4,500hrs) and wove a story about us and what our lives reflect all over the world on the same day.  Looking into the lives of all these people I couldn't help but to feel a deep connection and appreciation for the diversity we represent.  From race, religion, expressions, thoughts, behaviors, routines, jobs, there's so much in this film that the directors don't explain which adds to the viewers experience and interpretation.  We are truly a complex and beautiful race. Life in a day.

Frankenstein or the Modern Prometheus by Mary Shelley

This book was a totally new experience compared to the one I had in 8th grade or so.  My ideas of who the creature that Frankenstein created were completely erroneous.  This book is genius and written in genius form.  Please forget everything you think you know from your middle school encounter and re-explore this masterpiece again.  Make sure you are not reading some dumbed down version.  The prose should flow like this:

"Begone! I will not hear you. There can be no community between you and me; we are enemies. Begone, or let us try our strength in a fight, in which one must fall."

"How can I move thee? Will no entreaties cause thee to turn a favourable eye upon thy creature, who implores thy goodness and compassion? Believe me, Frankenstein: I was benevolent; my soul glowed with love and humanity: but am I not alone, miserably alone? You, my creator, abhor me; what hope can I gather from your fellow-creatures, who owe me nothing? they spurn and hate me. The desert mountains and dreary glaciers are my refuge. I have wandered here many days; the caves of ice, which I only do not fear, are a dwelling to me, and the only one which man does not grudge. These bleak skies I had, for they are kinder to me than your fellow-beings. If the multitude of mankind knew of my existence, they would do as you do, and arm themselves for my destruction. Shall I not then hate them who abhor me? I will keep no terms with my enemies. I am miserable, and they shall share my wretchedness. Yet it is in your power to recompense me, and deliver them from an evil which it only remains for you to make so great that not only you and your family, but thousands of others, shall be swallowed up in the whirlwinds of its rage. Let your compassion be moved, and do not disdain me. Listen to my tale: when you have heard that, abandon or commiserate me, as you shall judge that I deserve. But hear me. The guilty are allowed, by human laws, bloody as they are, to speak in their own defence before they are condemned. Listen to me, Frankenstein. You accuse me of murder; and yet you would, with a satisfied conscience, destroy your own creature. Oh, praise the eternal justice of man! Yet I ask you not to spare me: listen to me; and then, if you can, and if you will, destroy the work of your; hands."

A conversation between Victor Frankenstein and his creation before the novel truly unfolds.  Now go read this book.

What is Ego?

The lower self?  The animal side?  The qualities that cause disunity and dissension in the world like hate, envy, jealousy, deceit, rage, etc etc... It's the side of you that thinks only about itself and what things will benefit or relieve itself from immediate discomfort and what things will bring immediate personal pleasure.  Now I've gone through life thinking that I need to throw out my ego.  Trash it because most of the stuff I've mentioned above has no real use towards creating peace and harmony in this life... or so I thought.  A friend brought up an interesting point the other day.  On how the ego just aint all that bad.  It IS what I mentioned above but it's also something else.  My friend mentioned it could also be the desire to eat, to sleep, to find shelter, to survive, to protect oneself, to set boundaries... The ego is not be thrown away but rather balanced and controlled by our Higher Self.  It's funny how our understanding constantly evolves, and scary how easy it is to believe we know.  A few hours ago I knew the ego was bad, that some part of me was bad.  We're not bad though, we're perfectly designed to grow, to reflect on our actions, and to grow from them.  The ego can take control of our lives and that would be very bad, but it also can be our grindstone, sharpening our dullness to a fine edge, a beautiful edge.  I wonder what happens to the ego when we die?

People of Passion #2

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/17/is-organic-better-ask-a-fruit-fly/?smid=fb-share

If it works for fruit flies, it works for me =)

ego check 1, 2

Are all expectations useless?

Bambi: A Life in the Woods by Felix Salten

This is certainly not the story you remember from the walt disney movie.  This is the original, written to awaken our compassion towards animals, written for a new race of men.  

"Do you see, Bambi," the old stag went on, "do you see how He's (the hunter) lying dead, like one of us? Listen, Bambi. He isn't all-powerful as they say. Everything that lives and grows doesn't come from Him. He isn't above us. He's just the same as we are. He has the same fears, the same needs, and suffers in the same way. He can be killed like us, and then He lies helpless on the ground like all the rest of us, as you see Him now."
    There was a silence. 

    "Do you understand me, Bambi?" asked the old stag. 

    "I think so," Bambi said in a whisper. 

    "Then speak," the old stag commanded.

Bambi was inspired, and said trembling, "There is Another who is over us all, over us and over Him."

O My Brother!

Hearken to the delightsome words of My honeyed tongue, and quaff the stream of mystic holiness from My sugar-shedding lips. Sow the seeds of My divine wisdom in the pure soil of thy heart, and water them with the water of certitude, that the hyacinths of My knowledge and wisdom may spring up fresh and green in the sacred city of thy heart.
                    -The Hidden Words

TED TALKS

I would love to meet some Gansta Gardeners!

"Just write down what you're thinking"

March 2nd - March 20th is known to Baha'i's as the month of the Fast, where we abstain from eating and drinking from sun up to sun down.  It's a whole month (Baha'i months are 19 days) dedicated to spiritual rejuvenation.  The Fast acts like a mechanic working to align your spiritual orientation towards prayer, teaching, and service to others day by day.  The hope is this alignment will last a full year.  Each year is different for me.  I'm continuing my adventure within the realm of love.  It's not like we ever leave this realm but we can choose to take a closer look if we want to.



So there's this book.  Love: Jewels from the words of Abdu'l-Baha.  It's short but literally filled with jewels.  Each small quote is only a few lines long but holds such beauty and profoundness that I had to share one with you.  It goes.

Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that assureth the progress of every illumined soul.

If you look back to an earlier post I wrote called "Love - the Adam Lanza part" and in that post I wrote about this theme of love as a light.  That's why I so enjoy reading spiritual Words because they hold Truths we already know, but something else also happens when we read them and connect with them.  Hard to explain it.

So this quote strikes me as particularly beautiful because of the analogy of love being a link between us and God, and not just any link, a living link!  Plugging in a USB cable to a computer uploads or downloads information to and from a computer and happens at a consistent rate, I'd call this an electrical link.  But a living link, what would that be?  Maybe like some form of a symbiotic relationship?  A link made from love.  I remember someone talking about this like if God was the generator then all man had to do was plug in.  Love is the link, the plug, the cable.  If man has no love then he can't receive God's love.  Like sitting next to a generator without plugging in, all that power and potential waiting for us to reach out.  That's God, always loving, always the powerful generator, waiting for us to reach for Him and plug in.

Dreams

I tend to dream a lot.  And my moods will be heavily influenced by them.  I've spoken to people through dreams, I've spoken different languages, flew, confronted my challenges in various forms, and so many things.  I enjoy going to sleep wondering what the next dream might be.  They constantly surprise me.  Or perhaps I am surprising myself?  Where do they all come from? And why do some people dream and remember them and some people believe they don't dream because they can't remember anything? It's strange.

Anyway, I had a dream last night, a symbolic dream, so I'll share it with you.  Of course you really have to be in the dream to understand but I'll try.

(the picture has very little to do with the dream)
I was floating in a clear lake with a fishing pole in my hand.  My dad was floating beside me.  My brothers were floating near by too.  We were all floating and fishing with worms.  We weren't catching anything or rather there were no fish to catch because we could see down to the bottom and there were just rocks down there.  All of a sudden a huge fish breaks the surface, it must have weighed over 20lbs,  and looked like some kind of large mouth bass.  We all were super excited and started casting our lines next to it.  The fish wasn't scared at all from our excitement and just lazily swam around along the bottom passing our fishing lines as if they were of little consequence.  I finally put my hook right near its mouth and the huge fish chomped down and I pulled to try to snag it with the hook.  Unfortunately the fish just spat out my hook.  My dad and brothers were really excited when it swallowed my hook and then really disappointed when it spat it out.  They were like, "aww man, come on, why did you pull so hard", etc etc, but I was busy trying to catch it again so paid them little attention.  Then the next thing happened in an instant and left all of us with our mouths open, stunned in awe.

What happened was, the big fish continued to lazily swim on the bottom after I missed it when a guy with snorkel gear quickly dived down, grabbed the big fish, wrapped it in a roped, strapped it on his back, and swam off.  I think just before he did that I had a similar thought like, "this fish is so slow I could just grab him." But in an instant the fish was gone.

And I woke up.

So, what do you think?

To This Day...

I hate Pork Chops.

That is a video about a lot of things.  Isolation and love or lack thereof are the main themes.  We tried to do a short film about name calling and nicknames when I was in Ecuador.  It didn't come out so powerful.  This is a very powerful spoken word if you can hear it.  And it's got me thinking.  About the kids who get picked on, about the kids who pick on, and about everyone else who either watch, take a side, or react.  Not many of us react when we see it happening.  We might feel bad or guilty or scared or unsure, but we feel something don't we?  Which means we are a part of it, even if we weren't the bully or the victim, we experience a feeling.  Why not react to that feeling?  Why not do something brave, something incredibly brave?  Like talk. Talk to the bully, talk to the victim, talk to the people around you, talk to them about what you felt and pray that will lead to the truth of that experience.  The truth is bullies and victims are happening all the time, and it's not just trying to find the one or two hundred adam lanza's out there and making sure they get help, it's making sure the 6 billion people on our planet are getting help, are getting a friend to listen to them, are getting a hand to help them up, are getting encouraged to be their true Self.  Beauty is how that video ends and beauty is what we all are, we sometimes just need a friend to show us.

Silver Linings Playbook

There are only two romance dramas worth watching, as far as I know, 1. Rachel getting married, and...                          

2. Silver Linings Playbook.  Such a refreshing film.  Open, honest, vulnerable, and tasteful to love.  There are so many themes in this film and all get touched on in meaningful ways.  Hands down one of the best written films I've ever seen.  Even though the actors did an amazing job, the lines in this film were well thought out, especially the background banter that would overlap into dialogue at times.  Great film.  Go watch it.  

Peripheral Voices

 What's that you say?  We all have one.  It's a voice that speaks to us, faintly, sometimes barely even audible or noticeable, but it's there.  I like to think of it as peripheral because it's comparable to something moving outside of your vision and at times we're lucky enough to turn and see it, but usually we're left wondering what it was that passed.  Was it even real or did I just imagine something?  Same thing, except it's a voice, or a feeling, or an impulse, and it's real.

For example.  Today I was rushing to get to a meeting.  I ran down my apt stairs to find my neighbors little dog looking up at me.  I said, "Hey Doggy" and as I passed the door, yelled in, "Hey So-and-So!" Whereupon she replied, "Hi, how are you?" So I stopped for a second and talked to her.  Small talk because I was trying to leave.  But when I asked how she was doing, she opened up on a rather personal matter, a health issue.  So I was conflicted.  My brain and body were trying to urge the conversation to an ending point so I could get in the car and get to the meeting, but this voice said no you should listen to her, this is important, more important than arriving on time to the important meeting.  Many times I've ended those kind of conversations and left and felt fine for doing it.  The voice never scolds you, it just vanishes and your left wondering if it was real at all.  This time I stayed.  The voice spoke a few more times during that conversation and basically now I am looking up food remedies to buy on my next shopping trip for my neighbor Susie.

It feels a bit overwhelming to have a voice grounded in pure love for others.  And yet I have no control over when it will speak or when it will not speak.  I only have the ability to listen or not listen.  I can tell you this though, the more you listen and act upon what you've heard, the more the voice speaks.

THE SADDLEBAG by Bahiyyih Nakhjavani

"When his wife died it was not from sickness either.  She just looked at him in bed one early morning, her cheeks as ruddy as the hour when he first kissed them, and said, 'I'm tired.' Whereupon she turned her back to him, as if in sleep, and died.  The soft breeze of spring winnowing through her hair was like human breath, but it came from T'ien, the Mandate of Heaven.  He never forgave himself for not having recognized the proximity of her immortality and realized then that it was not enough to have mastered the art of diagnosing death."  pg155

"And as he searched the riddles of a thousand sandstorms, he also realized that he would never be able to save his people from the poison of his dream unless he overcame his fear.  Fear's antidote lay somewhere in the region of trust.  But where was that?"  pg155

Relationships

are sometimes like skipping stones.  Hitting the surface over and over.  Touching and going, touching and going, skimming and flying, skimming and flying.






When will we stop and see how deep we can go?